Addiction

With the holiday party season nearing full tilt, I think it's time I come to terms with some personal trouble I've been having lately. OK, for a long time.

One year, in my bachelor days — when life was both more exciting and more boring — my age-old friend Spider and I decided we'd each make our New Year's resolution to develop six-pack abs. We were both fairly active guys who had once been in shape. We each figured what the hell, the mutual competition would keep us honest and spur us on, and the rippled stomachs would surely, we thought, be a hit with the single ladies.

I can't remember how close Spider got to that six-pack, other than to say that he has only slightly less body hair than Robin Williams and Tom Selleck combined, and I believe he ultimately chose to simply comb the hair on his stomach in such a way as to give the impression of a six-pack. God knows what was actually under the hair.

My own quest was more enlightening than successful. No matter how many sit-ups, crunches, etc. I did, I was never really able to get past a solid four-pack. Those bottom two ab cuts just would not show themselves. It didn't take long for me to realize why. Beyond the fact that I simply did not have the mental discipline to work out every single day, I knew at a core level that those two muscles would be forever hidden under an unyielding layer of beer and cheese.

So, a few months into the year, I gave up my resolution. The experiment had paid some dividends, but when push came to shove, I was not willing, at that stage of my life, to give up either beer or cheese.

Soul searching ensued. If I had to choose one, I wondered, which could I actually give up, beer or cheese? Ultimately, I decided, it would be far easier for me to give up beer. I would miss it, sure. But life without cheese? Get real.

I don't just like cheese, I dream of it, pine after it, live for it. Always have. I have my cheeses of choice, for those times I need something stronger than vacuum-packed cheddar, and I love nothing more than spending a good hour in a proper, local fromagerie. Going to Neal's Yard in London was like a personal cheese hajj.

Mind you, my cheese eating has not all been quite so glamorous. I've had more than my share of cubed orange colby-jack at office parties. And I mean cubes that have been sitting for hours, sweating under the glow of holiday cheer and bad jazz. I've opened the tub of squeaky-fresh cheese curds before even exiting Wisconsin farm stands, eaten poutine for breakfast, and scraped the last bits of jarred Whiz onto my cheesesteak. I've reveled in individually-wrapped slices of pasteurized process cheese food product, creamy WisPride logs, and bacon-cheddar squirt cheese. I've had my brushes with hitting rock bottom; I know why the caged cow laughs.

But am I addicted?

To find out, I turned to the source. Alcoholics Anonymous has a list of 12 questions for self diagnosis. They tell us that "Yes" answers to four or more questions may indicate that you have a problem. Highlights are as follows. My honest answers are in line with the questions.

1 - Have you ever decided to stop [eating cheese] for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

Yes.

3 - Have you ever switched from one kind of [cheese] to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting cheese-drunk?

Yes.

4 - Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?

One word: pizza.

7 - Has your [cheese eating] caused trouble at home?

No. But my wife might be what they call an "enabler"; or worse, an addict herself.

8 - Do you ever try to get "extra" [cheese] at a party because you do not get enough?

God, yes. I eat party cheese like a starving college student, uncertain as to when and where I might stumble onto my next free meal.

9 - Do you tell yourself you can stop [eating cheese] any time you want to, even though you keep getting cheese-drunk when you don't mean to?

Yes.

12 - Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not [eat cheese]?

Yes. Specifically, my cholesterol and might be lower, my weight slightly lower, I might be more in fighting trim, with a thinner waist — and six-pack abs.

The addiction question. According to my answers — as the Magic 8-Ball likes to say — "signs point to yes."

So what next? Am I ready to give it up? I don't honestly know. The program tells us that the first step is to admit we are powerless over cheese. Forget the other 11 steps for now; I'm living one day at a time, one holiday party at a time. If you see me on the street, wallowing in a self-pitying stink-breath cheese hangover of yet another aged gruyere, get me to a meeting. My name is BK, and I'm a cheese addict.

Comments

[mrclean]

Neals Yard Dairy!!! We were there over the summer! Glorious! Photographic proof:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/deansabatino/1198229605/in/photostream/

[The Truth About Six Pack Abs]

Live your life...enjoy the cheese.

Cheese are too good to refuse.

[keely]

hey bk-jeezus, ya got me laughing outloud again. and i'm not even in a holiday mood-(tho sfgeneral hospital's fine dietary department DOES now provide us with little packets of kraft parmesan cheese on very special lucky days, when they serve up pizzas and spinach salad to the units--) ...now, don't barf over the bourgoisey very not gourmet sans top of the line FROMAGE of my latest obsession in this here little trick, but ah, here it goes: For my fellow cheddar mayonnaise midwestern "made" friends out there...which, truth be told, the below penchant for the nutritional nightmare that is-THE TUNA MELT was all actually LEARNED and cultivated from my very wonderfully assiago and procuto addicted stunningly slim italian mom:
how to fit into "those" jeans and still attack a b-tch of a real deal TUNA MELT,

:)
Kraft Fat Free Mayo
Relish
TRADER JOES waxy and totally not pc but great in a pinch FAT FREE CHEDDAR CHEESE
GOOD real RYE bread, toasted BEFORE the oven
Crystal Louisiana HOT SAUCE and salt on top--
but

ooooooonly in a crazed and lonely self absorbed (for any pmsing female readers?;)pinch.....hey, i had a really great time visiting you (however briefly!) and AKL and RK and EK and I believe that you served up some realllllly great cheese with that salad nicoise from the garden. :)happy holidays kids. sf is thinking of yas all. peace.*

[Idol White]

How can you go without cheese? It's so good. My wife and I eat cheese almost every day. We have to exercise extra because of it but it's worth it. Good luck!

[Time Life Golden Age of Country]

Unfortunately, I can't eat cheese. I really like it but it doesn't agree with my body. Maybe if you pretend you're allergic you'll be able to resist.

[Idol White]

I love cheese!