Family

George Burns said, "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." And indeed, this describes both my and AKL's family.

I write this because we will be on vacation next week with my family. My whole family. Not just me, AKL, and the girls, but my brother and sister too, with their spouses and kids. And my parents. All told, we'll be 14 people. Relaxing? Maybe. Insane? Maybe.

Here, I need to stop and say that in my life, I have taken exactly three women to my parents' house for Thanksgiving with my family. All three have cried at some point during the trip.

Now, mind you, I never really went in much for criers. All three are with-it, smart, together women. So how is it that the Great Festivus of Turkey and Excess can bring otherwise rational women to weep inconsolably? The promise of tryptophan? Perhaps. My family? Perhaps. Me?

Whether the cause was me, or them, or my family, or the stress brought on by the prospect of the three coming together, who knows. I know this: The last time my family went on vacation together was a dozen years ago. There were only six of us then, all adults, in a foreign country, and we did well to stay out of each other's hair. But now we're twice as many — with six kids younger than four years old — and we'll all be under one roof. We'll be able to avoid each other only so much. Either we'll get along, or we won't. And either we'll deal well with that fact, or we won't.

Now, before you start thinking my family (most of whom will read this) veers into Long Day's Journey into Night territory, I should clarify our situation a bit. Sure, we're fully capable of putting the "fun" in dysfunction, but what family can't, in their own way? My siblings and I had a pretty easy, happy childhood. Occasionally a bit disaffected and Ice Storm-y in parts, but it was suburbia in the '70s, and that couldn't be avoided. My parents are married 40+ years, and bless us all if we can manage the same.

Because, as Preznit Bush likes to say about his day job, "It's hard work." And even when ruled by iron-fisted matriarchs from Gentile genteel places like Kennebunk, families can be, well, difficult.

We all tend to act differently around our family. Like the cast of a play or nearly any team of people, we fall into familiar roles among them — the black sheep, the overachiever, the scapegoat, the people pleaser, the entertainer, etc. — and my kin are no different.

Typecasting is problematic and difficult (especially when you're not being paid SAG minimum for the "acting"). You can get bored with it, try to inject something new into the role, begin to resent the staleness.

I'm still not exactly sure how to classify myself — though I know it when I've fallen into a role. And sometimes I'm fine with that. Other times, it annoys the hell out of me.

Back in the day, one of the Thanksgiving criers had a family dog that would actually play fetch by itself. Her folks had a lake house, and the dog would get a stick, then excitedly run out to the end of the dock with it and drop it off the dock and into the water, at which point it would run back to the beginning of the dock, then turn right around and hustle back once again to the end of the dock and jump straight into the water. It would then retrieve the stick, swim back to the shore, shake itself off, and start again.

I thought the scene spoke volumes about her family dynamics at work. What I realize now is that my judgment about my then-girlfriend's family was only partly valid. The rest was merely a reflection of my own family dynamics.

But that was then, and while having kids stirs up whatever feelings we had toward our own parents — just as they experienced the same — it also forces on you (OK, on me at least) a certain level of maturity.

So, with George Burnsian distance and maybe even some basic emotional growth, our roles can change as we age. Without it, of course, they stagnate. Either way, side effects may include headaches, nausea, vomiting, and horrible vacations.

Wish us luck.

Comments

[milena]

the roles thing? resonating.. hope you're having fun :-)