The Best Non-Euphemisms

Brief apologies for the lighter fare of late, but work has been up in my business like the ladies from The View on Bill O'Reilly, and well, there's been quite a bit of shoveling to do.

After successive Facebook posts recently of "BK is slow roasting the tenderloin" and "BK is stirring the risotto," I got to thinking about the unintentional euphemism. Which is to say, non-euphemisms that can't help but sound like they are in fact hinting at something far worse than they are. Which is to say, high schoolish masturbation (which, I should add, a friend likes to refer to as "shaking hands with the unemployed") and/or unspeakable sexual deviance.

And so, sophomoric obsessive as I am, I started in to the brainstorming and the listing, while my wife looked at me like she hadn't the slightest inkling as early as 10 years ago what she was getting into.

But I digress. Herewith, the best non-euphemisms:

• Stir the risotto
• Hide the afikomen
• Baste the turkey
• Braise the [anything, really — because, let's face it, the braise method is just crazy sexy]
• Poaching some eggs

Note: Yes, if I was a true geek, I would have created a random word generator that simply used the [verb] + [article] + [food] construction.

• Eggs over easy
• Puttering
• Tweeting
• Strummin' on the old banjo
• Grinding gears
• Parallel park
• Jiffy Lube
• Bang the gavel
• Dig for clams
• Shrimping
• Surf the Web
• Take the "A" train
• Ride the gondola
• Chimney sweep
• John Boehner
• Snake the drain
• Cut the grass
• Prune shrubs
• Laying tile
• Watch Glenn Beck
• Voted for Joe Lieberman
• Read The Weekly Meat
• Writing The Weekly Meat
• Defending the homeland

OK, OK, maybe simply calling attention to a certain phrase raises suspicion about it. (It's a favorite pastime of my friend Spider to slyly append any sentence with "so to speak" [think Michael Scott's "that's what she said"] to make the utterly innocuous sound, well, nocuous. As in, "I could go for Chinese food tonight. So to speak." or "I need to take the car to my mechanic. So to speak.")

Or, as the old joke goes:

A therapist pulls out a bunch of inkblots. He shows his patient the first one and asks, "What do you see?" The patient replies, simply, "Sex." He shows the patient a second inkblot and asks, "What do you see in this one?" The patient again replies, "Sex." The therapist shows his patient a third inkblot and again asks, "What do you see?" Again, "Sex."

The doctor says, "Young man, I think you have a problem with sex." To which the patient replies, "Well, you're the one showing me all the dirty pictures!"

But enough excuses. The human mind is a filthy thing. So tell me, what phrases have I neglected?

Comments

[James]

Shrimping is a euphemism, I believe, for toe sucking.

Somewhat related: as a foreigner unfamiliar with the brand I have a peculiar mental image when I see tubs with "Rubbermaid" on the side. And shouldn't "Herb Chambers" refer to stash tins? Do all the cars they sell have a special compartment?

Finally: Jack in the box.

[BK]

Well done, James. Jack in the Box, indeed.

Working on a list of the worst business names ever.

[יונדאי אקסנט]

I get to considering the random euphemism which is non euphemisms that can help but audio like they are actually hinting at something far more intense than they are.