The Weekly Meat

Unfortunate Business Names

ANALTECH — Yes, really. They're "the logical choice thin-layer chromatography."

BIMBO Bakeries — Theoretically, it's supposed to be pronounced "beembo." Um, yeah, whatever. P.S. Now sponsoring the Philadelphia Union soccer team!

BJ's — Say I'm unnecessarily sexualizing this if you must, but I refuse to believe that the big box wholesale club is the first place folks go in their mind when they hear talk of "BJs."

BOLUS (Freight Systems) — 1. a rounded mass, as a) a large pill b) a soft mass of chewed food. 2. a dose of a substance (as a drug) that is administered intravenously. I often see their semis on the highway, and wonder each time why these people chose an obscure medical term (clearly not a family name) for their trucking business.

BONOBOS — Naming a men's clothing company after the notoriously-hypersexual chimpanzees might be a good idea. Something tells me not, but, uh, maybe that's what they're going for.

BUNGHOLE LIQUORS — Yes, I know what the technical definition of a bunghole is. But really?

DEATH WISH PIANO MOVERS — Tongue-in-cheek, obviously. If you're going to go all in with a name like this, you damn well better be the absolute best at what you do. Maybe they are, maybe they're not (I haven't had occasion to use them, despite their proximity), but they seem to be doing OK for the moment.

...as opposed to, say, TNT freight — I'm not even sure what the TNT actually stands for, but when one work vendor insisted on using them instead of FedEx or UPS, we used to refer to them (accurately, I should add) as "Tomorrow, Not Today."

FLUKE Corporation — OK, so Fluke is the founder's last name. But actually using said name is about as brilliant as former New Hampshire politician Dick Swett or former NASCAR driver Dick Trickle not opting for either "Rich" or "Rick" as a nickname.

MAINE OXY — Sadly, as it happens, Maine leads the nation – by far – in the percentage of residents being treated for addiction to painkillers. Like, you know, Oxy.

NOVARTIS — Fancy-pants, bajillion dollar, multinational pharmaceutical company, yes. But with a name that sounds as funny/awkwardly clinical as the 100+ year old mouthwash that coined the term "halitosis." Mmm...

ORIFICE RECYCLING & REFUSE — With their bright pink recycling carts, you can "roll breast cancer to the curb." OK, so their hearts are in the right place. But, well, their heads are up their business name.

PHARTRONICS Engineering — Find them in Oklahoma City! [Insert your own phart joke here.]

SCHWING America — This concrete pump manufacturer couldn't have known when they started up back in the mid-'70s that the phenomenon of Wayne's World would make them a household word/joke by the mid-'90s.

Which, of course, leads us to...

WANG Laboratories — They've been defunct for 15 years, but no list like this would be complete without mentioning the once-giant Wang.

Best worst-named company? The hands-down winner ...

SOFA KING — Sofa king good because it's sofa king funny.

Random Sketchbook Pages

Back before everything went digital and we all got blogs, I used to be better about keeping a sketchbook. I have several from those days, and I page through them wistfully now and then, pining for the analog nature of it all.

Each is filled with sketches. Ideas too. For plays, stories, artwork. Doodles. Chords and lyrics. Words to live by. Lists of books and movies to read and see. Often, just random things I wanted to remember in that long-ago era before we all walked the earth with cameras in our pockets and knowledge lived in clouds.

Like a bar spotted in Ennis, Ireland called Tipsy McStaggers. Or a pawn shop in Sioux Falls called The Happy Hocker. Or how a friend used to refer to masturbation as "shaking hands with the unemployed."

Or a sign at a church in Gaylord, MI: GOT JESUS?

Or another church sign in Brighton, MA:

C H _ _ C H

What's missing?

U R

 

At the very least, they are filled with the innocent, immature, and occasionally incoherent, notions we all have when unguarded. At their best, though, they illustrate the growth of both my creative and analytical thought processes. And contain an immediacy and truth that I rarely, if ever, reach on the pages of this blog.

For that, I treasure them. 

10 Things You Will Never Hear on Mad Men

With production delayed for the next season of Mad Men, and the long, hot, bloody-humid summer still buffeting us with occasional thunderstorms of our own sweat, here's a 100-calorie snack post on which you can slake your thirst.

Ten phrases that will never be spoken on Mad Men:

1. "I'm afraid that's against our sexual harassment policy."
2. "Drink? Before noon?"
3. "Hang on, let me just put on a condom."
4. "Hang on, let me just put in my diaphragm."
5. "Sorry, you can't smoke in here."
6. "Drink? At the office?"
7. "Joan, I think you should look into a breast reduction."
8. "Sally, Bobby, you kids are the best."
9. "Drink? And drive?"
10. "Don, honey, I hate to ask — but, well, you smell like someone else's vagina again."

(D)Evolution

Original old-school Pumas (à la Walt "Clyde" Frazier) -> middle school Asics -> new school Reeboks.

The stealing and gradual worsening of a fresh, clean design.

P.S. Yeah, Nike, you too.