The Weekly Meat

Punk 101: Punk Rock for Beginners

Yes, PUNK is too fast, it's too loud, you can't quite make out all the lyrics, and it's got a shitty attitude. That is precisely why I like it.

But maybe you're different.

Say you never liked it. Never understood the appeal. Whatever. You tried it once in high school, because the disaffected art crowd was doing it. But you never quite got into it. You rebelled in a different way, or maybe not at all.

This post is for you, dear reader. Let me show you the ways.

It will only hurt a little bit.

 

Punk 101

We start off nice and easy, learning the fundamentals with these six gentle tunes — grounded in pop, and hand-picked for novice ears, and even safe for most work environments.

Dead Milkmen — Punk Rock Girl
The punk-rock ear-worm. Currently my 4-year-old E-O's favorite song.

Suzi Quatro — Wild One
Suzi Quatro's mainstream turn on Happy Days as Leather Tuscadero gave me my first of many crushes on a punk-rock girl. Like a gritty, female version of, say, Duane Eddy.

Modern Lovers — Roadrunner
God bless you, Jonathan Richman. Best. Driving song. Ever.

Mission of Burma — Academy Fight Song
Accessible music, and lyrics for thinking people.

Runaways — Cherry Bomb
Hello world...

Ramones — R.A.M.O.N.E.S.
Simple, self-referential, pogo-inducing goodness.

 

Punk 301

Prerequisite, Punk 101

In this session, we move on to bigger, faster, louder, more. See how loud your car stereo can get. Open the windows. Disturb the peace a bit. See how the world reacts.

We'll listen to six classic tunes that each deserve their own stations on Pandora.

The Clash — White Riot
The Clash were a particular mix of rock and punk and ska and world music. This tune was as straight-ahead punk as they ever got.

Sleater-Kinney — Words + Guitar
I want it — way, way too loud....

Stiff Little Fingers — Wasted Life
Maybe my favorite song from maybe my favorite punk band of all time.

Wire — 12XU
Crisp guitar, bass, drums, simple vocal, air-punching chorus.

The Misfits — Last Caress
Oh, Glenn Danzig, you little scamp!

Circle Jerks — I Wanna Destroy You
Good rockin' tonight.

 

Punk 501

Prerequisite, Punk 301

In this advanced session, we begin to lose rounded edges, acoustical subtlety. But Punk is not concerned with such matters, and neither should you be. Stand up now — crowd yourself bodily into the live show of sweat, blood, beer, and snot — break a guitar string, shred your finger, and turn it way up for these final six:

McRad — Weakness
Philly skate-punk legend Chuck Treece!

The Vandals — Anarchy Burger (Hold the Government)
The Vandals out-Dead Kennedys-ing the Dead Kennedys.

Gorilla Biscuits — No Reason Why
Great example of a mixed- to up-tempo punk.

Minor Threat — I Don't Wanna Hear It
A minute-and-a-half of pure musical thrashing.

Bikini Kill — Suck My Left One
Smirk.

X-Ray Specs — Oh Bondage! Up Yours!
Punk saxophone, people!

How to Stay Married

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary.

"Is this true, BK?" you might ask yourself? "Tell us — how do you do it?"

The answers are simple, my friends. "Not easy," as they say in AA, "but simple."

 

Step 1: Marry the right person.

OK, let me be clear about this: When I say "the" right person, I really mean "a" right person. Because — despite the fact that we are made to feel blasphemous for saying it — in the same way that there is more than one successful and rewarding career path out there for any of us, there is also more than one "right" person.

That said, just don't get involved with more than one right person at any given time. Which leads us to...

Step 2: Do not have sex with other women.

This is an important one, folks. No matter what you thought your wedding vows said or didn't say, unless your last name is- say- Berlusconi, you'll be expected to remain faithful. How does one do this, when there are women out there who look like Maggie Gyllenhaal, you might ask?

Well, "one day at a time."

Among other things, I remind myself each morning that I do not actually know Maggie Gyllenhaal, nor is she aware of who I am — and she is also married. To a guy who can out-act me.

Step 3: Do not have sex with other men.

Not even George Clooney (who — admit it — is the safe gay crush of all heterosexual males between the ages of 16 and 60).

Step 4: Just don't have sex with anyone but your spouse. OK?

Step 5: When attempting to conceive your first child, you must be willing to drop the gloves and go during the Stanley Cup playoffs. Commercial break or not is up for debate, but, well, there it is.

Step 6: Do not go to a hockey game on the night of your 10th anniversary. Even if your very own Philadelphia Flyers are in town.

And it's the first game of the season. Just don't.

Let's not even talk about this one anymore. OK?

Step 7: Work is not more important either.

Step 8: Neither is your goddamn iPhone.

Step 9: Apologize. You're being a self-centered shit.

Step 10: Seriously. Tell your spouse — yes, out loud — that you love them. If you have done Step 1 properly, this will not be a problem.

Step 11: Repeat step 10 as necessary.

 

And finally...

Step 12: Each year, on the night of your anniversary, kids or no kids, have a quiet cande-lit dinner with your spouse.

Dig out the copy of your wedding vows that you keep buried in your desk drawer or in a favorite book or in an email you sent to yourself 10 years ago. [Note: If you did not keep a copy of your wedding vows, one of two things has occurred: Either 1) You did not do Step 1 properly, or 2) You are reading the wrong blog).]

Hold your spouse's hand, and repeat your wedding vows to each other.

:::::::::::::::::::

 

That's all, folks. The steps are not easy, but they are simple. If you're confused about how one conducts a relationship itself, see the primer my wife and I wrote on the subject: "How to Travel with Your Significant Other and Not Break Up"