Shortly after food became not about nutrients but nutritionism, food became about chefs, and restaurants became about not the diners themselves, but the dining experience. Blame it on globalization, the excess of the '90s, cable TV and the Food Network, the advent of the chef as celebrity, but this food moment is here to stay awhile. Needless to say, a pox is upon us.
With all due feigned humility, the menu...
ABOUT THE CHEF
The chef is youngish, but old enough; good-looking, but not too good-looking — camera-ready in a working kitchen sort of way. The chef has a food Philosophy. The chef uses only fresh, seasonal ingredients, sown and reaped by hydroponically-grown local virgins. Relax. The chef and staff will take care of you for the next hour and forty-five minutes until our next reservation; enjoy our soul-free "housemade" delicacies, exquisitely-chosen modifiers, and gratis italics Française e Italiano. You, dear friend, are in the hands of a maestro.
Chef's Whim 12-Course Seasonal Tasting Experience
Available Monday through Tuesday, for groups of ten or more; please book two weeks in advance
SALADS AND SMALL PLATES
Deconstructed Caesar Salad
We supply the head of Romaine, croutons du hier soir, anchovies, raw egg, olive oil, mustard, Worcestershire sauce, and garlic; you do the rest
Simple Salad
Fresh market figs, macerated pomegranate seeds, applewood-smoked bacon, and spiced nuts in a champagne balsalmic mignonette with toasted elephant garlic chips and a three-cheese (cow, sheep, goat) foam served gently on a bassinet of microgreens
House Charcuterie Plate (Because these days, how can we not?)
With herb-infused-then-salt-cured olives stuffed with pickled smoked pimientos, candied mustard fruit, and house giardiniera
Poor Country Street Food
Cultural food-slumming po' boy du jour with house-pickled red herring
Bohemian Bacalao Sliders
Salted fish that has subsequently been soaked in water to de-salinate it (since preservation by salt is no longer necessary in this age of refrigeration) and served in ironic White Castle fashion
Rillettes des Vegetables
With toast points and artful shmears of jus de quelque choses
Deviled Eggs Flight
Tastes of the world meet American Midwest family picnic
Shrimp Mousseline
With crême fraiche on hand-carved spoons of Belgian endive
House Signature Confit of Thusandsuch
It is the chef's Philosophy to honor the farm-raised animals that give their lives for our pleasure by using as much of them as we can; with hand-cut liquid nitrogen potato chips
SLIGHTLY BIGGER PLATES
Locally-Raised Obscure Heritage Fowl (say, Happy Farms West African Pearl Guinea Hen)
Served with further unnecessary adjectives and young vegetables
Bore Boar Four Ways:
- Seared ethnic-seasoning–crusted loin
- Antiquated, tough cut braised till tender
- Unapologetically-fried belly
- Tender poached cheeks
Steak Frites
Grass-fed hanger steak with pink and green peppercorns, just-so demi-glace drizzle, and ubiquitous duck fat pommes de terre
Perfunctory Vegetarian Option
Terrine of roasted farm-fresh petites vegetables de saison with farro and adjective adjective local dairy producer cheese
Dayboat Fish of the Moment
This year's hip fish (Chilean Sea Bass, Bigeye Tuna, ad nauseum), crusted with toasted Central American whole grains and served rare with a splash of house-infused spirit of the moment
Hand-Rolled Pasta
Lightly pan-toasted vegetable spice tagliatelle with salt-cured meat and foraged mushrooms, topped with a gently poached organic egg, and shaved herb cheese
OVERPRICED SIDES
White asparagus with chlorophyll foam
Roasted root vegetables with house-candied nuts
Seared small leaves with smoked pork fat
Twice-buttered tubers (with crustacean, add Market Price)
Duck fat pommes de terre
DESSERT PLATES
Hyperbole by Chocolate
Seriously, you will "die" if you eat this
Market Tarte Tatin de Saison
Butter-fed fruits du chef du monde
Housemade Ice Cream
Two flavors, like blood orange and rosewater, or cumin seed and green tea, that are individually somewhat interesting but do not actually taste good together
Artisanal Farmhouse Fromagerie Plate
Surprisingly small amounts of perfect, hand-selected cheese, served with minute housemade crackers and fruit paste de España


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