The Weekly Meat

Perfect Timing

By guest author Abby Luthin

My husband Ben and I just returned from our first-ever weekend away from our young daughters, a trip to our friends’ wedding in Arizona. No Electric Slide, no boozy toasts or weeping. Just lovely surroundings, fine food and wine, and a fun collection of people there to celebrate the new and classy married couple. It got me thinking, nearly seven years after our own “I do's”, about how far we have come together, and how things might be different if we hadn’t met. Or, more to the point, what would have happened if we’d met at a different time in our lives?

All I know is that I’m glad our paths crossed when they did because if it had been even weeks earlier, Ben and I would have hated each other. And not in a charming Sam and Diane, David and Maddie, Oscar and Felix kind of way. More of a get-a-load-of-this-guy and who-does-she-think-she-is? kind of way.

I recognize that I am very high strung. Understanding this about myself required great caution when Ben and I started dating. He might have thought the slow reveal was a feminine courting technique. I knew that if I disclosed the full reliquary of my eccentric tendencies too early, he might run for the hills.

My type A tendencies bloomed early in life. There was a whole year around the age of eight or so when I read both Hints from Heloise and Emily Post’s Etiquette: A Guide to Modern Manners many times over. If I spilled grape juice on the carpet in my doll house, I knew how to get it out before it stained. Serving cold soup before the main course? I knew which spoon to use. Need to write a letter to a colonel and his companion of many years? I had the proper salutation prepared. When we were far enough along in our relationship for me to mention having collected and absorbed these tomes in my youth (so helpful when picking the exact wording of our wedding invitations!), Ben sighed and noted, again, it was good to have met when we did.

What was Ben doing at the same age? By his own account, he was spilling grape juice, playing street hockey, and extruding mouthfuls of mashed potatoes from the gaps in his teeth.

Our late teens and early twenties also would have seen us as antagonists. One of my earliest memories at Macalester College was of reading about a kamikaze party set for the first weekend of the school year. A teetotaler myself, I thought those who imbibed didn’t take their studies seriously. My look-down-my-nose attitude poorly masked insecurities about not fitting in, but knowing that now didn’t help me one bit then. My roommate explained to me the nature of the event, mentioning that the booze in that dorm suite was always mixed in the bathtub and drunk with a plastic cup scooped into the cocktail. I probably mentioned that "cocktail" was a nice way of putting it, what with the poor sanitary conditions of a bathtub being used for a beverage hold. And then I most likely grabbed my books and headed for the library.

Ben’s college experience? A thousand miles away and four years earlier than mine, let’s just say he hosted plenty of similar parties, and still claims an acute tequila “allergy” stemming from those days.

Immediately before our friends exchanged their wedding vows in Phoenix, their rings were passed among the guests with the request that each person add a silent wish or words of wisdom for the new couple before they wore the bands as husband and wife. I surprised myself by knowing exactly what I wanted to say. That we had known and very much liked the groom before he met his bride, that we liked her right away, and that he’s been especially buoyant ever since. But that it’s important not to forget he’d had his lumps before, as have we all, and that he’d become the person ready for the relationship being formalized into marriage before our eyes the moment she’d walked into his world — and not a second sooner. It’s possible they’d have been happy as high school sweethearts, or college coeds, or twentysomethings in Boston. But I didn’t think so, and not just because of the span when he styled his hair in a fauxhawk. Yet it doesn’t make their partnership now any less powerful.

As Ben and I listened to the wedding tunes during the reception, I thought about how our formative musical experiences wouldn't have endeared us to one another either. In fact, we would never have been at the same venue. My first rock concert was Cyndi Lauper’s "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" tour at Poplar Creek for my twelfth birthday — accompanied by three friends and chaperoned by my mom. I vividly remember being outraged by the price of t-shirts and, as we stood for the entire show, wondering to myself why everyone couldn’t just sit down already so I could use the seat my mom had paid good money for.

Sure, Ben knew about these tunes, but his first concert was the Kinks and he still owns ratty Bruce Springsteen and AC/DC t-shirts. Early in our relationship, I tried to impress him by boasting that I’d seen a concert at Minneapolis’s hip First Avenue, which for me meant that I’d evolved past the music of my early teen years. Naturally, he asked who I’d seen, hoping for Hüsker Dü, or the Replacements, or at the very least Prince. There was a long, awkward silence after I answered Big Country (I still have the ticket stub to prove it!). I filled this void with an approximation of the "bagpipe” solo from "In a Big Country." And yes, dear reader, he still married me.

During my post-graduate years, due to too much Tour de France viewing combined with my now unsurprising lack of dating experience, I had a few quirky requirements for the guys I dated. One was that the boy be clean-shaven. Ben? Thankfully, just weeks before we met, he had shaved off a soul patch he’d been sporting for ages. Another prerequisite was a very specific height and physique: over six feet, gaunt, and, preferably, with hairless biker legs. While Ben’s nowhere near gaunt, he’s also not quite, even in hockey skates, anywhere near six feet. He’s also refused to shave his legs.

Ben’s requirements, as I know now, were nearly as precise. He never thought he’d be interested in someone who’d never had a driver’s license. Or who has kept a record of every book read and movie viewed since 1988. (And he hasn’t even seen the rating and cross-referencing systems I’ve added.) He never thought he’d be interested in someone whose personal life soundtrack is stuck in the Top 40 of 1987, or whose earliest reference material reading was of household stain removal and etiquette guides. Or who could even name her earliest childhood reference material reading.

Superficial? You bet. But don’t we all try to control our romantic leanings because it’s out of our hands who we fall for? That’s not to say some differences aren’t insurmountable. Just that there’s something to be said for relaxing a bit and following our instincts and letting what we do have in common — the important things — speak for themselves. Because it’s at the moment you’re willing to go on a date with the hairy-legged boy, or confess that you thought Hüsker Dü was a type of child’s toy akin to the hula hoop, or ditch whatever else it is that keeps you in such a safe place you’re unwilling to grow, that amazing, wonderful things can happen.

So after the ceremony in Arizona, as we tooled back to our hotel in our rental car — the windows down, the cool desert air blowing in — “Angel in the Centerfold” came over the stereo. I said, “You can change it” at exactly the same time as Ben shook his head and turned up the volume. Perfect timing, indeed.

Why I'm Backing Barack

By guest author Miriam Landman of M. Landman Communications and Consulting

I’ve been paying close attention to the presidential candidates’ campaigns in the news and on various websites for many months now, and I’ve concluded that Barack Obama is the best candidate to lead our country. The following are just a few of the factors that brought me to this conclusion:

1. HIS CHARACTER, CREDIBILITY, AND TONE: Everything I’ve learned about who Obama is and what he has done has convinced me that he is a principled and effective reformer who will challenge the status quo of corruption and gridlock in our government, and the apathy in our citizenry. His statements and goals for "change" go way beyond idealistic rhetoric. He strikes me as quite a serious and sincere person. He is thoughtful, straightforward, and clear about his positions. As just one key example, he has always taken a clear stand against the war in Iraq, a stand that showed good judgment and a willingness to risk his political career by speaking out about what was right. He has also championed ethics reform, and his legislative achievements demonstrate that he has been both progressive and pragmatic. As an environmentalist, I am also very impressed with his voting record on environmental issues.

Overall, the two Democratic candidates’ positions on major policy issues do not differ significantly. So it’s entirely fair to look at differences in their approach, their character, their tone. These things do matter. The tone of Obama’s remarks has been inclusive and even-tempered. He is not combative. He doesn’t want to engage in the petty game of tit-for-tat: the vicious cycle of offending and being offended that currently passes for political discourse. He doesn’t see issues in black and white; he recognizes the shades of complexity, and he understands that ends do not justify means. He is known for being a unifying and conciliatory force; he has a touch for eliciting cooperation and seeking common ground and consensus. It seems to me that these are some of the most important skills that a President can possibly have.

I would certainly like to see a woman serve as President of the United States, and there's no question that Hillary Clinton is knowledgeable, qualified, and politically connected, but those qualities alone do not make her the best candidate or the best leader for our country. With all due respect, there is a better candidate.

We don’t have to choose between style and substance. Obama has both. I'm not naively idealizing or romanticizing him. He, like any human being, has his flaws. We can’t expect anyone to be perfect. But I see him as a person of real integrity, a person who genuinely means what he says and who cares about people, more than he cares about having power.

2. HIS UNIQUE ABILITY TO CATALYZE POLITICAL PARTICIPATION: Obama's poise and eloquence give him the rare ability to inspire, empower, and motivate masses of people. He’s not just a politician; he’s a born leader. His words have given large numbers of youth, minorities, and formerly apathetic or disenchanted citizens a reason to participate in the political process and vote for the first time (or the first time in a long time). He has re-energized and broadened the Democratic base, because he has refused to accept a narrow or cynical view of the electorate, and because his message resonates with all types of people. He's gaining an army of excited grassroots supporters who have finally found a politician they trust and admire.

Inspirational leadership is not something to belittle or ignore. Ridiculing Obama’s throngs of supporters as a “cult” of gullible followers is absurd and insulting. Those who know me can attest that I’m hardly someone who’s prone to hero worship or jumping onto bandwagons. And Obama’s endorsers include an impressive number of thoughtful and highly esteemed people (Chris Dodd, Patrick Leahy, Bill Bradley, Barbara Ehrenreich, and Caroline Kennedy, to name only a few). Sure, some of his supporters act like fawning fans, and some of the slogans are cheesy, and some of the rallies sound more like (secular) church revivals than political events. But the Obama phenomenon is no cult or bandwagon. It’s a movement. It’s been so long since the country has seen this type of energy and optimism around political issues that some people seem to have forgotten what democratic involvement looks like. This is the way things should be. Getting more people to vote—and to care about politics, and the future, and their fellow humans—is good for our democracy and good for our country and world, not to mention a good way to win an election. Which brings me to...

3. ELECTABILITY: Rush Limbaugh, Karl Rove, and Ari Fleischer are all hoping that Hillary Clinton is the Democratic nominee; they (and many others) have publicly admitted that it would be hard for John McCain to beat Obama. Their assessment is supported by general election polls, which have shown that Obama is much more likely than Hillary Clinton to win in a race against McCain. In part, this is due to the Clintons’ baggage. A high level of Clinton fatigue and strong anti-Clinton sentiments still linger across America, sentiments which are likely to galvanize Republicans to come out to vote against Senator Clinton. (There were "Impeach Hillary" bumper stickers while she was still First Lady.) But the main thing that gives Obama the edge against McCain is that Obama appeals to many independent voters, “red state” Democrats, and even some disaffected Republicans, as well as progressive Democrats, while Clinton has very little support from these disparate groups. Obama has built a diverse and powerful coalition, and his base of support just continues to grow as more people get to know about him. McCain has some support from voters outside his party, but Obama has more. Non-Democrats see that he is not an ideologue, and they appreciate that he doesn’t vilify his opponents. They recognize that he listens to differing perspectives and is respectful.

I happen to be a 34-year-old, white, female, middle-class Democrat who grew up in Michigan, and who now lives in California. But my demographic profile doesn’t really matter. Obama is showing that he can appeal to people of all walks of life, in every demographic and in every region. The prevailing assumption that many whites would not vote for him has not proven true; he has won by wide margins in states where there are very few people of color.

It would be tragic for McCain to be elected as President, after all the damage that has been done domestically and internationally during these long, dark Bush years. Years ago, I thought McCain seemed fairly reasonable and decent, but he’s lost my trust. He thinks our troops should stay in Iraq indefinitely, and he has made thoroughly irresponsible, war-mongering statements about Iran. He has also called for overturning Roe v. Wade and he's helped nominate the right-wing Supreme Court Justices who could do just that if they get one more like-minded Justice to tip the scales. To me—and to the majority of Americans—these things are unacceptable.

::::::::

Obama’s remarkable journey from unknown long-shot to frontrunner has come about partly because of who he is, what he offers, and what the country needs at this point in history. It is also the result of a smart and well-run campaign that’s grounded in Obama’s community organizing experience, his top-notch team of advisors, and the bottom-up involvement and small donations from millions of supporters, which have allowed the campaign to remain free from a reliance on federal lobbyists’ contributions and the strings that are inevitably attached. The way Obama and his team have run his campaign bodes well for the way he (and his Cabinet) will lead our country.

The political mood of this country calls for a clean slate. Obama’s candidacy offers us the very rare opportunity to elect a principled leader who can help make our government more effective and respected, and who will represent the best ideals of our democracy. It is an opportunity that we must seize.

P.S. If you haven’t made up your mind about which candidate to support, I hope you will seek out more information about Senator Obama. I invite you to check out some of the articles and other links that I’ve posted on my site, or check out the Obama campaign site, which features substantive information, including: Issues, Fact Checks, and News.  -ML

Map graphic via Purple States.org, © 2008, Ed Mullen. As you can see, our electoral "red" and "blue" states don't look quite so starkly divided when the 2004 popular vote is accurately represented as appropriate blends of red and blue to produce more nuanced shades of purple.

How to Travel with Your Significant Other and Not Break Up

Editorial Note: This post was co-written with my wife, AKL.

Please — before it’s too late — reconsider that romantic getaway you’ve been planning.

Traveling is devastating for relationships. If you love each other, stay home. Even perfectly functional, happy relationships can be ruined by the wedge issues travel creates for couples. Long-festering personality quirks can suddenly look like deal-breaking character flaws in the bright light of the Caribbean. Or the dingy light of a hotel bar.

We assure you, you’ll be much happier just staying at home and watching other people break up on TV.

Now, if you absolutely must leave home, please take with you our five time-tested survival techniques:

Rule #1: Prepare.

Seasoned Euro-traveler Ben Franklin said, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” So prepare. Know your itinerary, bring your passport, extra socks, Scooby Snacks with which you can bribe your significant other…. Every trip has its hassles, and the fewer hassles you have, the fewer passive-aggressive “discussions” you’ll have about those hassles.

Also, buy good maps. Nothing can create tension faster than a stupid argument over how to find some hard-to-find landmark.

Rule #2: Avoid landmarks.

Landmarks are public places where couples are meant to have “moments.” Do not underestimate the importance of these moments. Try to gauge — or even (gasp!) ask — what the expected highlights of the trip are for your partner. And then try very hard not to screw up those highlights.

There’s a time and a place for everything, and the time and place for a state of the union chat is not at the Louvre or on the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower.

In fact, guys, do not under any circumstances go to Paris. Paris is like a wedding (or a funeral); you will never be forgiven for screwing up Paris.

Rule #3: Don’t go to bed angry.

This seems simple, but it’s not. Sort out little issues as they pop up during the day rather than giving them a chance to boil over when you’re tired and belligerent with mini-bar purchases.

We call this the “Brady Bunch rule.” No matter how bad things got for the Brady family — be it a surfing accident, a broken nose, or the everyday indignities of being the middle child (“Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!”) — by the end of the episode, all had been worked out and even Jan was happy again. Make bedtime the end of any “episodes.”

Rule #4: You’re not connected at the hip.

If you love art and are dying to see Florence’s Uffizi Gallery, but your partner can’t tell a Giotto from a grotto, ditch them for the day. You’ll see and do things on your own that you wouldn’t together (CAUTION! Skip this rule when in Vegas!) and even have something to talk about when you meet up later.

Being apart can also help you put your relationship in perspective. Are you enjoying yourself? Is this really a person with whom you could see yourself growing old? Living without? Is that hot bartender really giving you the eye?

Rule #5: The grass is never greener.

On every trip, you will meet exactly one person with whom you would fall madly in love, if not for your significant other. Do not fall in love with this new person.

It will be difficult. You will meet this person on a plane, or a bus, or a trek, or in a bar, or through a friend. The man or woman will come from Australia, or Iceland — an island country full of outgoing people with fabulous hair and supermodel cheekbones. They will be mysterious and have an interesting name and some odd talent. Their name will be Jada or Sven, and they’ll play bass for Bjork. You’ll have fantasies about living in their perfect world, and having transcendent sex and uncomplicated communication.

Remember, like internet Vi@gra! or 99-cent shrimp cocktail, if it looks too good to be true, it is.

Of course, if none of this helps and traveling does destroy your relationship and you ultimately find yourself single, well don’t just sit there and think, “They told me so,” get off your couch and see the world. You can start with Australia or Iceland.