The Weekly Meat

The Trouble with WMDs

It would appear that the trouble with labeling the Boston Marathon bombs "weapons of mass destruction" seems to be only that there is no National Pressure Cooker Association to successfully lobby Congress on behalf of the rights of lawful Americans wanting to use crock-pots for sporting purposes.

Because bombs don't kill people; people kill people. Do I have that right, Wayne LaPierre?

 

Cynic v. Optimist: Gay Marriage

As long as shrill, assholic idiots like Scalia are on the bench, I have little hope in the SCOTUS to hand down morally/ethically righteous — or even well-argued — decisions on their own.

I do, however, still have great hope in the ability of the citizens of this country working en masse to generate for issues as monumentally important as gun cuntrol or equal marriage rights a groundswell of support so large and so loud that it simply cannot be ignored by any politician wishing to stay in office. And, perhaps, even by a few shrill, assholics idiots given lifetime appointments.

We can all start with the simple act many of us have already taken: turning Facebook red on this thing.

Time to get loud, folks. Guns are next.

Why It Matters

I'm a proud knee-jerk Liberal. I have never been an "undecided" voter (nor do I understand them, frankly). But I'm a realist. And when it became clear (last year) that Mitt Romney would be the chosen Republican to run against President Obama, my first reaction was, "OK, well, we could do a lot worse than Romney as President." He had governed my state for four years, and though I hated his politics, he was somewhat moderate; the Commonwealth pulled through relatively unscathed; and, well, his last name wasn't Bush.

That was my thinking a year ago. Now I am far more vehement in my distaste for Romney's politics. Here's why: I no longer have a clear idea — or, really, any idea — who this guy is, and where he lies (pun intended) on the political map.

Even The Salt Lake Tribune, for the same reason, could not see fit to endorse him.

Either Romney is leading on the conservative "base" to get elected, and then he'll swing back to the more moderate positions he held as governor of Massachusetts. Or . . . he was playing 'possum back in his Massachusetts days, and the "real" Mitt Romney is indeed much further right of center.

Who can even say anymore? Candidate Romney has taken so many positions on so many issues — during the past year alone — that he seems to forget which one he's meant to take, what his past positions have been, and even forgets that video doesn't just go away.

So if you're undecided, or thinking of voting for Romney, I have two things to say to you:

One: If you voted for George W. Bush because you believed John Kerry to be a stiff, rich, out-of-touch flip-flopper, then you can clearly see that Mitt Romney is a guy who makes Kerry look laid-back, poor, hip, and trustworthy.

And two: If you're an issues voter, who believes Mitt Romney represents your position on major issues, well, you might be right.

Or you might not.

Create Your Own G.O.P.

We return in force this week with a bonus feature by a guest blogger, whom we'll refer to as The Scrivener, with a hand from yours truly.

 

As the political season dictates, we must call bullshit when we see it. So by all means, please mix and match the following words as you see fit (or better yet, make your own additions) to most accurately brand the G.O.P. initialism (don't call it an "acronym").

Have fun!

And remember — this November, and always — not to allow the Gutless Obama-Phobes and Grossly Over-Paid Goons of the One Percent who have Gone Off the Plank Govern by Oligarchy and Plutocracy. Vote out those who embrace Greed Over Principles and the Glorification of Obscene Profits, while happily nuzzling up to lobbyists (Good Old Payola!) and Genuflecting Over Petroleum.

 

G	O	P
Grandiose	Old	Party
Gang (of)	Obtuse	Puppets
Goons (for)	Odious	Profiteers
Greed(y)	Obnoxious	Plutocrats / Plutocracy
Gross(ly)	Obscene	Patriarchy
Giant / Gigantic	Oligarchy / Oligarchical	Petroleum
Gluttonous / Gluttons	Obsessed	Politicos
Greasy	Offensive	Pinocchios
Great	Oppression / Oppressive	Plunderers
Guns	Oil	Pollution / Pollutants
Governing (by)	Obstruction(ist)	Paranoia
Galling	Obdurate	Past
Gutless	Obstinate	Persecutors
Gravy train	Of (or Over)	Propaganda / Propagandists
Grabby	Overlords	Patronage
Glib	Obfuscating	Parasites
Goldbrick	Old-boy	Payola
Guilt(y)	Officious(ness)	Pomposity
Grating	Off-putting	Pachyderms
Garden-variety	Ostentatious	Pimps
Gaseous	Overserved	Poachers
Gratuitous	Overcompensating	Perpetuators
Grandstanding	Overpaid	Ponzi-Schemers
Glaring	Off-kilter	People
Ginned-up	Out-to-lunch	Pox
Goofball	Out-of-touch	Pawns

Let us know which ones are your favorites, and share your own G.O.P. combos in the Comments!

Here are some to get you started:

• Good Ol’-Boy Party
• Gang Of Puppets
• Greed, Oil, & Pollution
• Guns, Oil & Paranoia
• Goons for Oil Profiteers
• Generators Of Poverty
• Greedy Oil-Soaked Politicians
• Goodbye to Our Planet
• Gluttons Obsessed with Power
• Grossly Obstructionist Plutocrats
• Government Over (not Of) the People
• Greedy Old Patronizers
• Gasbags on PCP [Gasp! So '70s.]

 

Note: Above G.O.P. elephant logo takeoffs are from a brilliant book called GOP100—Deconstructing Dumbo by the outstanding and imaginative Thomas Fuchs studio.

Dispatches from the Real World

Apologies for the lack of Meat of late, but my wife and I had a baby three weeks ago. And Work has me about as busy these days as Rick Santorum staffers trying to click their way into a solution to his Google problem. So, you know, Responsibility.

Thankfully, in the world outside my home, there are others — so called "Friends of Meat" (see at left), even — writing posts well worth reading. So go, browse. Come back to me next week though, dammit. Or I will break up with you in embarrasingly public ways. And the truth will come out.

• You can start over on Twitching Blobs, for a positively Swiftian modest proposal, in response to recent legislative idiocy like the proposed Vagina Virginia ultrasound law.
  
  
• Then make your way over to visit BBQ Billy; if you don't know him, you should. Check out the drool-inducing blog. And stay tuned for his brick-and-mortar joint in Brooklyn, where you'll be able to sample his mighty BBQ wares.
  
  
• Likewise, The Green Spotlight, for well-researched writeups on sustainable solutions for real people. Lower cal (but for their roundup of organic, fair-trade chocolates), to be sure, but no less worth your while.
  
  
• And last, but never least, see The Gurgling Cod, for estimable opinions on food and culture — and obscure references that would make Dennis Miller sweat like Callista Gingrich at the Mütter Museum.

 

Playing to the Base

  

 

The Hot List: A Primer for 2012

Time once again, folks, for stand-up philosophy, bald-faced prognostication, and linguistic prestidigitation. Herewith, the only political hot list you'll ever need this year.

 

Out	In
Mitt Romney	Michele Bachmann
Michele Bachmann	Rick Perry
Rick Perry	Herman Cain
Herman Cain	Newt Gingrich
Newt Gingrich	Jon Huntsman
Jon Huntsman	Rick Santorum? Really?
Rick Santorum	Ron Paul
Ron Paul	Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney	Barack Obama

 

Be safe out there, people; it's an election year.

Brief Notes on the Death of OBL

Call me unconflicted, but as details of Sunday's successful raid against Osama bin Laden come out, I have to say, I'm impressed with the Entebbe-like precision of the U.S. special ops folks. After the disastrous fiascoes of Mogadishu and the aborted Iran hostage rescue, it's nice to see both supreme competency from our military forces and nearly unanimous support for their mission.

This is not to be naive about the continuing threat of terrorism. Whether it goes by the name of al qaeda or not, we still live in a world in which terrorism exists and in which the U.S. holds no special status. We must accept the fact that bad things will happen here as in the rest of the world, and we must learn to deal with it, in terms of mind-set, response, and recovery.

But it's nice for the face of the U.S. "war on terror" to have suddenly gone away (and with some fore-thought toward lessening the effects of OBL as a martyr), as it will force us to not oversimplify the issues with blind patriotism.

P.S. Of note:

• The Special Ops squad's workman-like adherence to Zombieland rule #2 — the double tap
• It would make me unspeakably happy if, after bin Laden's death in Abbottabad, al qaeda's number two, Ayman al-Zawahiri would soon meet a similar fate in a place called Costellobad.
• This "typo" (yes, it's real), from the FOX "news" affiliate in Sacramento.
• Pakistan says what?

On Arizona

Sarah Palin posted this image back in March — during the same week in which she tweeted "Commonsense Conservatives & lovers of America: 'Don't Retreat, Instead - RELOAD!' Pls see my Facebook page."

Let me be clear: I'm as much for the second amendment as I am for all the rest. But let's not leave any of it out:

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

If we have no use for the first half of that sentence, it follows that we have no use for the second.

Apathy = Defeatism: Go VOTE

Well, I was unable to gather together real words in the face of this critical midterm election, but former TWM guest author, and unindicted co-conspirator M. Landman has done it for me. And done it well. Give it a read, and then get out and vote.